Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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