the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
