If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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