you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
