Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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