the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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