On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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