I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
