your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
