Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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