Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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