just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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