You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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