im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
God, I missed his penis.
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