so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
