First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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