I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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