you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
