i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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