You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize
