Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
