My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
