Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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