god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
