I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i need an iv and a liver transplant
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
