I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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