i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
