i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
