mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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