you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
