Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
