Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
