I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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