I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize