I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
