please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
