apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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