im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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