mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
