you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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