Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize