Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
