I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
