There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
