I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Four minutes until I can fart!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
