im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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