You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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