if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
