hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
