apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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