Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
