I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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