you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
