You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize