I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
