Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
