she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
vagina is talking i cant
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
