I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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