Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
This show inspires me to have sex in space
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
