I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
