I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
