Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i think my cat just said my name.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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