If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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