My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize