dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
