Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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